One of those mornings...

5:30 am - Jake & Austin wake up crying. I roll over, hoping it's only 2am, with no such luck! Despite my early bedtime, I'm still exhausted!

5:30 - 6 am - snuggle on couch playing with "wace-tars." Both boys crawling all over me & each other, they remind me of little baby animals fighting to get close to momma.

6:00 - Give-in and turn on JoJo's Circus (cartoons).

6:30 - change diapers ... Jake fights me, arching & crying. Unusual for him... we have a little talk & then play a little on the changing table.
give each boy half a banana

7:00 - Jake breaks Christmas tree ornament. Scoop up boys-- Austin goes in highchair, Jake at table. Attempt to sweep up with WET broom (left out in the rain), wipe up the remaining slivers with a baby wipe.

7:15 - make a 'wholesome' (ha!) breakfast consisting of: slice of banana bread & 1/2 waffle topped with yogurt. (In which the toaster almost catches fire & fills the kitchen with smoke... it appears that my husband put a potato pancake in there & half of it broke off in the bottom. No wonder it was unplugged! That would've been nice to know! heehee)
Clean out toaster
Make Austin's bottle
Do yesterday's dishes that I was too sick and tired to do.

7:45 Sweep up the pieces of food Austin threw on the floor
Talk to my friend about our Disneyland trip today, and our Plan B in case the rain continues

8:00 Bring laundry out, to find a load of whites that never got put into the dryer. Add extra Baking Soda & re-wash on HOT, hoping they aren't stinky.
Bring Target bags (Christmas Gifts) from kitchen to bedroom in hopes of wrapping them later today.
Find Jake in his room, spraying aerosl sunscreen on the floor. Wash up the floor.
Back into living room-- Pick up toys and folded clothes that Austin threw on living room floor, refold & put away this time. Deal with two Austin tantrums for miscellaneous reasons.

8:30 Jake breaks another Christmas tree ornament right as I tell him to step away from the tree. Put him in time-out in anger. Repeat the clean-up ritual, broom is still wet. Jake asks for piece of pizza... quickly oblige & give him a cold piece of left-over Dominos from last night. He loves it.
In the process, though, I dropped the pizza box on the floor & the entire pizza fell face-down on the floor. I brushed the pizza off & wiped the pizza sauce off the floor. There's a mom of toddlers for ya!

8:45 Change Austin's diaper again, and actually curse loudly (p.s. I don't curse!!) when he begins to kick his legs & fight me (lovely) landing both feet smack dab in the middle of a HUGE blow-out stinky poopy diaper. Try to wash off his feet, legs, back & bottom without gagging. Stress out over cursing loudly & wondering if the neighbors heard. Incidentally, Austin stayed still and quiet for the rest of the diaper change; he had a look of shock on his face the whole time. Probably thinking, "Who is this crazy lady!?!?"
Bring poopy sleeper outside & am actually glad I didn't already put that load in after all. This one will definitely take precedence!

9:00 Sit Jake at the table to color. Now-naked Austin is busy playing with a coloring book on the floor. I'm coming down with something and don't want to do anything!
Sit down to write this post...

9:30 Jake begins to throw every single piece of coloring paper on the floor. I tell him to stop. He turns around and (accidentally) kicks over his tin of crayons. And I lose it:

"Jake! Do you see how mommy is always cleaning? Look what mommy does! Mommy cleans, and picks up your messes, and picks up your messes, and picks up your messes! (as I'm picking up crayons and tossing them back into the tin.) You need to stop making messes!"

To which Jake squeaks quietly, "I mean to, mama!" (translation: I didn't mean to). I hug him and he gives me a big kiss. "I luff doo, mama".



Oooh!



The tasks that come with motherhood (or parenting) seem so endless sometimes, and so meaningless. You labor & toil, barely resting in-between, only to have to do them over & over again. And when one isn't well-rested or feeling well, it makes it all that much harder! Especially if you allow your focus to remain on the work you are doing (or the rest or 'me-time' you are missing) and not the ones (or One) you are doing them (or missing it) for.

I came here to vent about the amount of work a mother packs into just a few hours (and it's just the tip of the iceberg... yay! I think I used that phrase right! I originally wrote "a chip off the iceberg, but then realized that I was mixing up two sayings... a chip off the old block or something...) Anyways, what I mean is that it's just the beginning! I haven't mopped yet, The table has piles, we haven't showered yet, I need to pack lunches & prepare dinner, more laundry, & I'm sure I'll pick up toys a hundred times before the days over.

Venting & complaining doesn't do anything for me, though! But it reminds me that I don't want to have this attitude! It helps me to remember that the poopy feet aren't a big deal, but my reaction is. Through the way I handle the daily "messes", I teach my children how to handle the "messes" that will come along in their lives... they are learning coping skills & behaviors, and I'm afraid that today (and yesterday), I have failed! I have been short-tempered and have let them watch too much TV today. I've ignored them some.

Sometimes this little Sunday-school song echoes in my head when I feel I've set a bad example for my kids. It sure does drive it home for me!

"Be careful, little eyes, what you see! ...
Be careful, little ears, what you hear! ..."

At night I pray with them, sometimes asking the Lord to forgive me for losing my temper. I apologize to the children when I feel I've over-reacted. I need grace! And guidance! (We all do, right?) I want to be a good mommy and lead them gently (but effectively!) The thing is, I know that God is gracious, and apparently, so are my boys. For today, when I lost it, yelling at my son for accidentally kicking over his crayons (the "last straw" for me)... he showed me such sweet, innocent love & grace... apologizing and saying, "I luff doo, mama.

So despite the original negative tone, I am still always driven to the same conclusion, which is that I love mommyhood!


ETA: (edited to add)
Can I just say one more thing? An hour after posting this, the toilet flooded. all. over. the. bathroom. floor.
I'm so glad I put the plunger in the GARAGE to keep it away from Austin. Perfect place for a plunger when you need one!

"Clean up! Clean up! Everybody Everywhere!" she sings...

Hmm... too tired to think of a title!

Merry Christmas!!! (This is the back of our tree, oops!) P.S. Yes, this is the same photo twice-- one for the tree, one for the faces!

We had an interesting Christmas tree hunt. I'm not going to lie! We picked up the first one we looked at. We were so cold and it was a nice tree. I tried so hard to prep us for the hunt... getting us in the holiday spirit, playing Christmas music and singing about Rudolph in the car, and drinking Caramel Apple Cider (AKA: Liquid Apple Pie). I actually straightened my hair & put on makeup for all the fun family photos we would take. But it turns out I expected too much- I do that sometimes! (Dreamer, idealist!)

When I was little, every single Christmas, my family would make thermoses of Hot Cocoa, dress warm in scarves & mittens, go to the cut-your-own Christmas tree lot, and scour the "forest" while singing Christmas Carols (YES, we sang Christmas Carols). It was perfect, sentimental, lovely. My dad did all the work being it was just us girls with him, but he never complained.

So this time, even though we can't cut our own & the boys don't sing yet, I still wanted something lovely. But Kevin and I kept having tiny moments of misunderstanding. I think I was pretty irritated because Kevin put Baileys in his coffee (after already having some beer & wine). I'm not ragging on him. He is wonderful and I love that man whole-heartedly. But I was just so irritated that I ended up letting it taint my sentimental experience, and I let it change the way I treated him.

Don't get me wrong, we still did enjoy our time. But it was sprinkled with my bad-mood when I was hit with those "this is not wholesome!" or "this is not what I wanted" thoughts. Those were the moments when I would snap something like, "That's the garden center, not the cashier!" and he would defensively reply, "Okaaaay!" Up & down. Up & down! That's how today has been! We're just not meshing 100%! And of course I want to blame him! But I am responsible for my own behavior.

Anyways it ended well. Sorta. I'm still irritated & disappointed about the forementioned behaviour, but I'm also happy that we have our tree and I'm confident that I've learned from this experience. I can't have perfect, but I must draw the line on my sentimental family traditions! This is my family. These traditions are going to be forever in my children's memories (as they grow up). Maybe they'll never know what was in Daddy's cup, but I want a peaceful family and it's not going to be easy as long as that cup is spiked. I pray he doesn't fall back into his "drink-too-much" days! And I also pray that I can be a good wife to him and respond with love.

Aaaaand, here's a picture of my thirteen month old climbing. I'm sorry for making a big deal out of it... my sister says this is normal... but after Jake (my cautious little one), this is so foreign to me! Jake just now started climbing on things, at two!

It's shocking how balanced Austin is. He's been walking all over the place, it's absolutely darling! But you wouldn't think that a toddler who is BARELY toddling would be climbing, standing and balancing on ride-on-CARS! Crazy kid, it's sooo much fun!!! I love seeing how different he is from Jake. I love how spirited he is. Aww, I love them!

A few of you asked what kind of camera I got. Since I can't take a picture of it, here's the brochure. (Evidently, I'm still taking photos of anything and everything!!) It's the Nikon D40. That's all I know! I haven't had much time to read about it. I like that you can manually focus or auto focus, and it is digital which is definitely important. I also like that you can change lenses if you want. This will come in handy when the boys are in sports & I want to zoom-in. Oh please let this camera last that long! We have such bad luck with technology. Sometimes we're careless (oh, great regret! my favorite laptop, dropped one-too-many times!), but sometimes we're just plain unlucky (ahem, disappearing CD-ROM on brand new computer, discovered too late!)

Anyways, on a completely different note, Jake has said so many cute things lately-- but I will be selective in my sharing. (You're welcome!) heehee

So I got Jake a little Bible which has a picture of Noah & the Ark on the front. When I gave it to him, he pointed to Noah and excitedly exclaimed, "Danta!!! Ho! Ho! Ho!" ("Danta" = Santa).

It's been a month & he still thinks that it's Santa, even though we've read the story of Noah many times since. He calls it his "Danta Bible".

He also thinks that John the Baptist & Jesus fell off a boat (during the Baptism) and they're swimming with Bruce the Shark (from Finding Nemo).

Adam & Eve aren't really Adam & Eve... they are my nephews: Adam & Nico. They are "nated" (naked) and catching a "BEEEED NATE" (big snake). (Didn't you KNOW!?!?!?) Every time I say Adam & Eve, he corrects me: "No, Mama. Dat Adam & Nito!"

He makes me laugh so much!

Megan getting philosophical at an extremely late hour... bad combo

When we went to Ensenada, I had a moment where a bit of reality hit me. I wanted to post about it when we got back in town but never had the time to sit down and write. And honestly, I didn't know exactly what to write. I was afraid of sounding cliche or trite. Why should I come here and tell a story and simply say, "It was sad."

Poverty is a reality that I feel helpless against, and a bit foolish even talking about since I'm not really backing it with action. I don't know how to deal with these things, especially coming from such a wealthy country and being surrounded by all the greed in the midst of excess. Many people either turn their heads or adopt an attitude of, "it's not my problem." I've never been one to turn my head (purposefully), this is just where my heart goes.

So that said, I had forgotten about this little (unwritten) post until the memories of these people popped back into my head as I was reading about the Compassion trip in the Dominican Republic.

Here's my little story. The poverty and this experience is not near comparable to theirs... not the point... but it just reminded me of it & so I decided to come here & reflect on it for a second.

We were at "Papas & Beer", sitting outside enjoying some food & drinks. There were a lot of people trying to sell things-- handmade objects, chicle, etc. I enjoyed seeing the people, exchanging a few words (between my {very} broken Spanish & their broken English), and trying to find a momentary connection through a smile or the meeting of eyes. I wanted to buy something from each of them, but, of course, couldn't. But I wanted them to know that I could see them, and that they mattered to me at that moment. (I felt angry at the people who ignored them!)

As Kevin left for the restroom, I asked him how much money he had. He said something like, "$20, why?" And he saw my face & said, "you can't have it!" To which I confessed, "because I want to give it all away."

We had been a bit stressed out about him only having such little cash on him because he had forgotten to tell the credit union that we were travelling internationally so some places weren't accepting his card. When we were exiting the boat I told him that I couldn't believe he didn't get more cash from the cruiseline's ATM, and he reassured me that there would be ATMs in Mexico.

Suddenly, though, $20 sounded like a lot. These people were begging for a dollar! It could truely make a difference in someone's day- maybe help feed their family for a day or buy some shoes for their children. ...Or we could have a few more drinks and buy a souvenir with it.

There were two young boys, maybe 4-5 years old. They were both barefoot in the streets trying to sell some things-- weaving in and out of the tables in the outdoor sidewalk patio. At one point there was a man (a P&B customer) who gave one of boys two chicken wings. The boy disappeared momentarily, sharing his prize with his envious friend. A minute later, the boy came back to the table & pulled on the man's pantleg. The boy was looking up at the man and was gesturing with his hand to his mouth.

My heart sank.

The man wrapped up a handful of chicken wings in a napkin & gave it to the boy. He & his friend ran to the curbside and inhaled them.

They are hungry. They are barefoot, and 4 years old, wandering the streets, and hungry.

I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to look at these people with pity or make them feel like I felt sorry for them. I had to look away to keep the tears from coming, and when my husband returned from the restroom, I had to hide my eyes with my sunglasses as I quietly relayed the story to him.

In the meantime, the waiters at Papas & Beer were shooing the kids away-- yelling and chasing them like stray cats.

They don't want the customers to see the poverty. They don't want anybody to feel guilty for spending money at their establishment.

I have been given a heart for the needy (as previously written here.) Being a mother, though, this little experience struck me a bit differently. Like the song/video (below) says, "I saw my son in a little boy's eyes."

That is what I felt as I sat at the table and watched that sweet young barefoot child gesturing his hunger. It tore my heart up.

I thought of my children.

I thought of their mothers.

When discussing such issues, often people retort that we have hungry & needy people in our own country, and why don't we take care of our "own" people. To which my heart cries, who cares what country we were born in! We are all on this earth together, mankind, God's children. I have never been able to understand this thinking.

I've been on mission trips and visited poverty-stricken areas throughout my youth. I still remember their faces and many of their names. They are each in my heart, family! Their love and warmth towards us, their grateful hearts and the joy that they had from the Lord despite their circumstances... it was astounding to me. We met some wonderful people and experienced a unity that crossed boundaries of language, economics, race, geographics, age, & gender.

My heart aches to do something. But my (beloved) just thinks it's sweet of me. The end.

I cannot seem to draw any conclusions based on my experiences or my current situation.

Except that I don't want to turn my head.



A few more unconnected thoughts... (to remain undeveloped because it's late & my train of thought is quite circular right now!):

Since I can't do anything with our money, maybe I can find a way to use my time, and could it really make a difference? Is this possible?

I'm also reading (Mission of Motherhood) and working hard at ministering to & raising my children AND: (oh please help me!) keeping the home! This is my mission-field. I've only read a few chapters, but so far I love this book... challenging, uplifting, energizing, encouraging, and did I say challenging?!?

Can I do it all?!?

I feel so idle and tunnel-visioned sometimes! I know my efforts are first and foremost to serve the Lord, and then my husband & children. What a blessed and fulfilling and huge responsibility, too. Not underscoring that by any means.

But how frustrating it is when I find myself placing too much importance on the things in life (appearance, material things, etc). And how saddening when I realize that I have once again gotten caught up in the rat race. Not that we should sell all our things or feel guilty for having nice things-- but the excess is quite excessive dontcha think!?! I mean, who needs 300 channels on TV anyway?!? And the things should definitely not have any power in our hearts... for example, causing us to feel jealous when others have them or sad when we can't. Ahem, Miss Megan, who is dying for new couches and pictures for the walls! Oh, but I do want some!

It's difficult to reconcile these things, isn't it?!

These Compassion trips always do get me thinking & yearning!

I'm making myself tired. Good night.

snapshot

right now?

exasperated

...it's never easy!!!

'nuff said

(don't tell anyone that I just wrote 'nuff said' on my blog!)



Okay, well to be exact...

Jake bit Austin's arm, Austin pulled Jake's shirt, Jake threw a ball at the table, Austin won't go to sleep despite his exhaustion, Kevin told me he would watch the boys while I showered but decided to sleep-in instead, I stepped on banana (twice), Jake dumped his breakfast plate on the floor after I swept, I turned off the TV & Jake turned it on, I turned on the A/C and Austin turned it off, Austin is stronger than me and won't let me change his diaper without a fight (which I almost always come close to losing), Jake asks for more food and I make it, then he refuses to eat it, Jake climbs on me playfully but the digging of his elbows and toes into my abdomen hurts and irritates me, I'm majorly PMSing and my cramps & headache are getting the best of me. This is just the last hour.

Like I said, it's never easy, but some moments are harder than others! This is my first "real" PMS and cycle in over 2 years, and it's not going so well. I'm not sure I'm equipped to handle it. I'm barely equipped to handle my life without raging hormones! I joke! (I think)

P.S. On another (completely random) note, please buy a noise machine if your children have any sleep issues. I'm jumping up & down for the $15 purchase I just made- wish I did it a long time ago! They don't wake eachother up anymore! On my way to the store to pick up a 2nd one.

Today will get better. Just venting!

10/11 ADDENDUM: They DO wake eachother up still. But they sleep better, so it's less often. Once per night Jake has been waking up crying, which still wakes up Austin despite the 2 noise makers. So both boys are awake for 8-12 minutes. I'll take that any day over how it used to be! I think the sound machines have totally helped them sleep better & stay asleep longer. This is the most un-interrupted sleep I've had in a year (or more!)

Okay, so maybe that was majorly TMI!!!!

AKA: TOOO MUCH INFO!!!!!!!



Sorry...



I don't know what got into me!



In the interest of getting that post farther down the screen, here are a few cell-phone pics of the boys from yesterday's beach/park trip.


Sometimes I struggle with the difficult decision of whether to take the boys to the park or the beach. I know, hard times. :) I don't know why I forgot about this beach-- it's one of the closest ones-- and it has a little slide & swings on the sand. Woo hoo!

Yesterday I brought my Almond Joy Maui Mocha and my devotional. Sometimes the boys will play in the sand at my feet while I read, and then I join them afterwards. It's never expected, but always a little bonus. But yesterday I spent most of the time helping my son to play with other kids without stealing eachothers' toys.


I never bring toys to parks because it just makes it harder. Granted, this was different because it was the beach, so shovels, buckets & dump trucks were definitely in-order.

But at the park, it would make life so much easier if kids could just go and play together on the park equipment! I'm so tired of going to the park & having my son stare enviously at other kids' trucks. (And regulating him so he doesn't steal them!)

Even when kids say it's okay to share toys, it's never easy because, undoubtedly, the time comes when that kid sees someone else with his/her toy and realizes it's just not cool anymore. Then you have to talk your kid through taking turns, sharing, yada yada. I know, it's called parenting. But every time I've let him bring his own toy, (even something as benign as an empty Starbucks cup), some other kids runs up and takes it from his hands. Yes, these are learning experiences for them. Sharing and all that.

But just for a minute I'm going to make it about me. I go to the park to relax! I go to the park so my kids will run around and get out some of that energy! The park is sometimes our refuge when it's getting too crazy at home. Seriously, I get enough toy spats at home-- I'm tired of toys, who needs them!?!

Okay, there's my mommy-vent.

I know that the million-and-one mommies who bring toys have their reasons. I'm afraid that I'm the minority here for sure!

On to the pics:





Have a great day.

P.S. It's officially FALL! I'm thinking Halloween costumes and candles & pumpkin spice... but of course here in So.Cal it's hotter than it's been in a long time! Looking forward to the cooler evenings & light fall breeze-- can't wait!

Playing Catch Up

I'm recovering!

I've spent the last week being as BUSY as anything! Working way too much, though feeling guilty that even my busy, long workdays actually rejuvenate me a bit. I love my home. I love my boys and my wonderful husband. We are so incredibly blessed, beyond measure. Though a day away (even if it is at work) is sometimes in order.

Today I worked out at the park with my sister-in-law. One of my favorite parts of working out is the stretching afterwards. Sometimes I spend more time doing that than the actual workout. (Ha! "Sometimes." I say that as if I work out often! That should be past tense. Because it's been a long time since I had a good, real workout.) I also love, love, love doing mat work. Pilates, abs, yoga. I love it. It makes me feel like a dancer again. But today was a reality check for my ego. I'm used to being the girl who sits in front during yoga, pilates & dance classes. It's been that long since I took class.

Today, I was the girl who sits in the back. Whose form is bad. Who has to eventually modify towards the end because I just can't do the full extension without my lower back arching. Ugh! I told my sister-in-law that the quitter in me wanted to say I won't come back because I used to be so good, but now I'm not. But that's ridiculous! I want my strong core back! (I was pleasantly surprised with some aspects of my performance, but overall, I get a huge "needs improvement")

All I was trying to say, though, is that the time spent stretching & just breathing and being in-tune with your body is the most wonderful thing ever. Then I got on a tangent. I wonder why I don't do this more. I never thought I would be so 'out-of-tune' with my body. I never thought that there would be a time when I wasn't dancing! It's a little funny that most people want to make extra money so they can be home with their kids, but I want to make extra money so I can hire a babysitter for a few hours a week so I can dance & go to the gym. That is my goal. Just a few hours! Not that I don't want to be here! I'm just feeling the need to take care of myself! And I'm vowing to be better at it!

So in the meantime, (because the extra money thing, well, I'm not quite there yet), I may go back to my old ritual. First thing in the morning, going outside for a quick stretch and some before-bedtime mat work. Will my kids allow this? Will I be disciplined to rise before them & make time for this? Will I continue the workouts? I'll keep you posted. I hope the answer is yes. Though sometimes I'm not a do-er. Yah, bad. Workin' on it.

About dancing... if you watch (my favorite show) So You Think You Can Dance, just tell me one thing. Weren't you shocked that Kherrington & Gev got cut!?!? I love Comfort, but Kherrington is so talented! And Gev, well he's just a cutie and wasn't his solo amazing tonight? (Lastnight for you, Tonight for me, Thankyou TiVo.) Did anybody else cry through the entire Ava Maria performance? I LOVE Mia Michaels' choreography!!! Almost all of her pieces bring me to tears!

So I'm going to narrate the up & coming zillion pictures.

1- Austin is done with his DOC Band! He's also getting on all fours and rocking back and forth a lot (pictured below)- the typical pre-crawl exercise. Jake never did this, and he crawled late (& not for very long.) Austin does scoot everywhere, and I'm SO done with this, because the fronts of his shirts are getting so dirty! (I don't remember this with Jake. Does this mean that I'm slacking off on my cleaning? Or I'm allowing more tummy-floor contact because I'm not as neurotic?)

Austin getting his final measurements at Cranial Tech. The before/after is amazing.

2- Here are a few photos from our recent Sea World trip. This was a little spur-of-the-moment trip, just me & the boys. It was fun, but we did have a few moments that are worthy of an entire post of their own! I think next time I will be sure to have an equal number of adults to children.

As we were walking by the Shamu 'holding tank' behind the stage-- the "Shamu's" suddenly jumped in the air! Jake ran over there and started exclaiming, "DUMP! DUMP!" (AKA: "jump", in jake-speak). His excitement was so cute, and I think I was just as excited- I've never been that close to a jumping Shamu!

3- We spent an afternoon on the boat with my in-laws recently. Kevin and I have usually one day off together per week. It's a treasured day, but is often filled with busy stuff-- errands, taking turns trying to catch up on rest, chores, etc. It was so nice to just relax. I've said this before, but there's no place I'd rather be than on the water. It is so peaceful. That is where I went when I was in labor. haha (In my mind.) Anyways, this was the boys' first time in a boat. They were so sleepy that they just relaxed & didn't get too excited, but we all really enjoyed it.

Jake looking at the seals. He also got to watch Grandma reel in a Barracuda. And he touched the little fishies (Anchovies) in the holding tank. He also loved watching the pelicans rush our boat as Grandpa emptied the holding tank before going in.

How precious is this!?! Austin smiling at Grandma

And (below) Jake just barely waking up from a nap on Momma's lap. Sweet!

4- Austin meets Macchiato at my sister's house.

5- My mom & I (and Jake asleep on her lap) at the beach lastnight. (We barbecued at La Jolla Shores... my old stomping ground!!! I forgot how absolutely stunning it is there.)

And my sis & I

Sorry for the long "me" post! I do think these little kiddies are cuter than buttons (hee!) (Thus the zillion pics) Have a beautiful weekend! Hug those people you love. If my hubby were here, I would be doing just that. We miss him in our home. My heart goes to those with even more separation from their spouses (& families), Those amazing men & women serving in our military & their families holding down the fort at home. From my little life here, I know that it's not easy doing it on your own much of the time and even our (small in comparison) separations are hard. When I complain or start to think it's hard, I think of those who have it even harder than I. You are amazing. You are amazing. ;)

The Unmentioned Truth

Our home is not peaceful these days.

I thought it was just a phase... but it's been about 3 weeks now. It feels like more!

The truth is, I have no idea what to do.

Austin doesn't just cry. He screams. And I think, although Jake is a saint and always responds to Austin's screams with compassion (unlike this tired mommy), it wears on him too because he's been on the fussy side as well.

Here's a little sampler of my day: I've spent the last 3 hours putting kids to bed. They take turns crying, non-stop, for 3 hours. MY three hours. You know, because after bedtime is mommy-time. And unfortunately, I've been looking forward to cleaning the house after bedtime today, so I've had to push that back for 3 hours, and now I'm up late again!

Confession time: I had a moment yesterday where I couldn't wait until my next workday. I have been at my wits end so many times over the last 8 months, I can't even count. I do feel like a failure sometimes. Like I should be able to handle this better. I want a million kids, remember. And don't anybody tell me I told you so, because I know we'll get through this and I know we will (God willing) have more. But I'm keeping it real here. We've hit a rough patch and I'm a little hormonal and, well, I'm just tired! I'm not living up to my own expectations. I lose my cool. I tell my kids to stop crying. I think, "I can't do this anymore," sometimes.

I do care what you think. (Whomever you are.) I think that you could do it better than me, have endless patience, give instruction and discipline without a hint of frustration or desperation, never get weary from the unrest, sleepless nights & screaming.

((you = everyone...))

Quick side bar: I've wanted to say this for a long time now, but haven't. But right now I have to! My in-laws are AMAZING! They have saved me more times than I can count. They are both "givers" and I know without a doubt that if we needed it, they would freely give us every ounce of their time and energy and means without asking anything in return. I am eternally grateful, I simply can't thank them enough. I wish I could write more here & list everything, but that would take too long!

So anyways, back to my downer of a blog post. That's where I'm at this moment. It's not that bad, but I'm exposing the moments that are hard. They're hard to go through and even harder to talk about.

Most of the time, we're great. We go to the park & beach often, we're happy, we're just normal. I work hard, but our home is happy. But like I said, these last 3(ish) weeks have been crazy!

I really, truely don't want sympathy. But it would be cool if you've been there, to just tell me I'm not alone!

I am reminding myself that God will equip me for this, and that even when I feel like I can't do it, He can.

I'm also wondering if it's possible for Austin's colic to have come back... at 8 months old! :) I'm working out a schedule and we're going to be tweaking naptimes and feeding times. Desperately trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my house! Kevin & I keep encouraging eachother that it will get better, but I'm starting to wonder if that's true, because Austin has reverted to his colicky behaviour & it's gotta get better!

I just got off the phone with my husband (for our daily "goodnight" phonecall) who gently reminded me to count my blessings. Luckily, I appreciated it and did change my focus a bit- it came from a loving place. How easy it would have been to be closed off and snap back: "I am!" haha (I have plenty experience with that as well.) It'd be nice to end this post with a Bible verse or a comforting epiphany, but even though I'm feeling better, I'm just going to call it a day here!

The messy house is calling me, and my bed too. Kids are sleeping (yes!) I'm doing the quickest EVER cleaning job. A quick sweep, run dishwasher, wash poopy blowout clothes, & crash. Don't think I just sat here and spent all this quiet time writing this whole post. It's been on my screen ALL day long, and I've been coming back adding sentences here & there. (Thus the fragmeted nature of it). So the rest of the post was from about noon today. I love that it's a brighter note to end on.

My favorite new words of Jake's are:

Motorcycle = My.za
Helicopter = Oiee.dah.tah

I love hearing him trying to pronounce all the parts of the longer words now, whereas he used to just say the first syllable.

I also love how he says "mess" (Myce).

He's been talking about the fireworks ever since the 4th. He points up, and he says UP! Sky ("dye"), BOOM! while motioning an explosion with his hand. Sometimes he does sprinkling motion with his fingers after the 'explosion'. It's so cute!

Family trip to Solvang

My last trip to Solvang was to introduce Jake to his great grandpa. We were well over-due for another trip to introduce the other two new additions. (Austin, and my nephew, Finn.) So I just got home from a 4-day, 3-night trip with my family to Solvang. It was SO wonderful to spend time with family!!! I never see them enough! I will say, though, that I've finally realized that vacationing as the momma is ---> just . not . relaxing .

Especially with my toddler whose cold finally got the best of him and he got the full blown sickness (maybe even a touch of the flu?) while we were gone. At least it's finally over with!

But my biggest issue on vacationing with my toddler is his sleep location issues. He sleeps great good at home in his own room, in his own crib. Anywhere else, and I'm a basket case with an incredibly sleepy kid who WON'T SLEEP!

I love the freedom I have with my work schedule to spend a day or two in San Diego with family, and I absolutely love vacationing (who doesn't). But the after the last few times, I've come to dread it. I never get more than a few hours of sleep, and my kid is so sleepy and fussy the whole time that I almost always want to leave early (out of mere survival / fight-or-flight instinct!)

We did survive. We came home and slept (hard) lastnight. Both boys are ASLEEP right now, at their normal naptime in their normal places, and I'm feeling soooo relaxed... back home in our normal routine. Ugh... I tried sooo hard to raise flexible kids. I used to pat myself on the back at how Jake would sleep anywhere. Until he hit about one year old. I've also learned to *never* pat yourself on the back! haha

Enough complaining. Back to our wonderful pictures from our (otherwise) wonderful trip!



Jake with my dad & grandpa. I love them! They both have such a strong sense of integrity. They are very much alike in their character, very admirable, & tender hearted at the core. I simply don't have the words (or maybe I have too many words) to talk about my dad. (Or my momma for that matter!) So I will stop there. Basically, I am so so incredibly thankful for them and their influence on my life (and my kids lives.) Oh, back to my Solvang trip and photos. Sorry...



Visiting Uncle Tommy. (My mom & her brother.) Let me just say that God is good!



Me & my sweet nephew, Finn! (7 months old)



Yes, I know that we ALL look a bit kooky here! (Especially my son with his fingers in his mouth!) L to R: My sis, Chris, Finn, Uncle Tommy, Austin, me, & Jake



Cousins! Finn with his proud Daddy (Jarlath) & cousin

Who are you and what have you done with my son?!?!?

OH.MY.GOODNESS.

Yesterday I really, REALLY could have used 'robot-mom!' While holding my crying Jake and standing next to my crying Austin, I actually had to close my eyes and regroup for a moment to keep myself from running away! Or worse, yelling at my kids for crying! Yesterday was a major challenge, to say the least. And the funny part is that the day before was probably one of the best days we've had in a long time. I felt like such a great mom! lol (As if I had anything to do with it! haha) Austin was perfect-- he ate every 3 hours on the dot and was so happy- we did playtime and then he napped between his meals. Jake was as happy as a clam all day- so giggley and playful and sweet. I was feeling really good about this whole thing. Mommy-of-two-hood was feeling GOOD and normal and smooth! I had it down!

WHAT HAPPENED!?!?!?

Yesterday even after Jake's 2-hr morning nap, he woke up acting like he hadn't slept a wink. He was getting frustrated with his toys, throwing himself on the floor, crying all day... and if you know my son, that is NOT him! He gets that way sometimes when overtired. Though despite being absolutely exhausted, he wouldn't go down for an afternoon nap, (we tried twice.) If Jake was actually quiet and content, then Austin was crying. The ENTIRE day. I barely remember any moments of silence where I wasn't holding/rocking/consoling one (or both!) kids. I tried to resort to cartoons numerous times, to no avail.

So then there was LAST.NIGHT. Oh, last night was just the icing on the cake. Jake wouldn't sleep!!! I know, I know. The woes. I'm totally being dramatic, (and such a complainer), when I know it's really not that bad in the scheme of things! It's just life and mommyhood! But I'm gonna just finish my rant to get it out of my system. But I have to believe that every mama is entitled to a LEETLE bit of complaining, right? So Jake's pretty much been sleeping through the night. Not lastnight. He woke up crying every 10-20 minutes from 11:45 (when I went to bed) until 2:00am. Then woke up for the day (wide awake) at his usual 6am. What's up with my boy!?! Austin of course slept longer than he EVER has!!! 7 hours straight!!! WOO HOO!!! Too bad I didn't get to take advantage of that.

So maybe my runny-nosed kid really isn't feeling good. Maybe those teeth that have been barely poking through the gums for the last 2 months are finally going to finish coming through. But I'm tired of always saying "maybe he's teething" or "maybe he doesn't feel good." I've been sick 3 times in the last 2 months, and like I said, he's been teething forever it seems. I'm tired of feeling like I'm making excuses though! Maybe bad days just happen! All I can say is that if today is anything like yesterday was, I'll most definitely be driving my kids somewhere with helpful adults around. Hmm... like maybe a certain mom or mother-in-laws house! Or my sweet sisters house?

{{Oh, while I'm at it, let me add... my "water baby" now HATES taking baths. He cries the entire time. He's always LOVED the bath!}}

Seriously, the minute I think I have it, I get thrown another curve!

May today be a better day...

(Must run, two kids beginning to fuss... I think a trip to the park is in order! Please, skies, stay dry for 30 minutes! I need to, I mean, my kids need to get out of the house. heehee)