The Unmentioned Truth

Our home is not peaceful these days.

I thought it was just a phase... but it's been about 3 weeks now. It feels like more!

The truth is, I have no idea what to do.

Austin doesn't just cry. He screams. And I think, although Jake is a saint and always responds to Austin's screams with compassion (unlike this tired mommy), it wears on him too because he's been on the fussy side as well.

Here's a little sampler of my day: I've spent the last 3 hours putting kids to bed. They take turns crying, non-stop, for 3 hours. MY three hours. You know, because after bedtime is mommy-time. And unfortunately, I've been looking forward to cleaning the house after bedtime today, so I've had to push that back for 3 hours, and now I'm up late again!

Confession time: I had a moment yesterday where I couldn't wait until my next workday. I have been at my wits end so many times over the last 8 months, I can't even count. I do feel like a failure sometimes. Like I should be able to handle this better. I want a million kids, remember. And don't anybody tell me I told you so, because I know we'll get through this and I know we will (God willing) have more. But I'm keeping it real here. We've hit a rough patch and I'm a little hormonal and, well, I'm just tired! I'm not living up to my own expectations. I lose my cool. I tell my kids to stop crying. I think, "I can't do this anymore," sometimes.

I do care what you think. (Whomever you are.) I think that you could do it better than me, have endless patience, give instruction and discipline without a hint of frustration or desperation, never get weary from the unrest, sleepless nights & screaming.

((you = everyone...))

Quick side bar: I've wanted to say this for a long time now, but haven't. But right now I have to! My in-laws are AMAZING! They have saved me more times than I can count. They are both "givers" and I know without a doubt that if we needed it, they would freely give us every ounce of their time and energy and means without asking anything in return. I am eternally grateful, I simply can't thank them enough. I wish I could write more here & list everything, but that would take too long!

So anyways, back to my downer of a blog post. That's where I'm at this moment. It's not that bad, but I'm exposing the moments that are hard. They're hard to go through and even harder to talk about.

Most of the time, we're great. We go to the park & beach often, we're happy, we're just normal. I work hard, but our home is happy. But like I said, these last 3(ish) weeks have been crazy!

I really, truely don't want sympathy. But it would be cool if you've been there, to just tell me I'm not alone!

I am reminding myself that God will equip me for this, and that even when I feel like I can't do it, He can.

I'm also wondering if it's possible for Austin's colic to have come back... at 8 months old! :) I'm working out a schedule and we're going to be tweaking naptimes and feeding times. Desperately trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my house! Kevin & I keep encouraging eachother that it will get better, but I'm starting to wonder if that's true, because Austin has reverted to his colicky behaviour & it's gotta get better!

I just got off the phone with my husband (for our daily "goodnight" phonecall) who gently reminded me to count my blessings. Luckily, I appreciated it and did change my focus a bit- it came from a loving place. How easy it would have been to be closed off and snap back: "I am!" haha (I have plenty experience with that as well.) It'd be nice to end this post with a Bible verse or a comforting epiphany, but even though I'm feeling better, I'm just going to call it a day here!

The messy house is calling me, and my bed too. Kids are sleeping (yes!) I'm doing the quickest EVER cleaning job. A quick sweep, run dishwasher, wash poopy blowout clothes, & crash. Don't think I just sat here and spent all this quiet time writing this whole post. It's been on my screen ALL day long, and I've been coming back adding sentences here & there. (Thus the fragmeted nature of it). So the rest of the post was from about noon today. I love that it's a brighter note to end on.

My favorite new words of Jake's are:

Motorcycle = My.za
Helicopter = Oiee.dah.tah

I love hearing him trying to pronounce all the parts of the longer words now, whereas he used to just say the first syllable.

I also love how he says "mess" (Myce).

He's been talking about the fireworks ever since the 4th. He points up, and he says UP! Sky ("dye"), BOOM! while motioning an explosion with his hand. Sometimes he does sprinkling motion with his fingers after the 'explosion'. It's so cute!