What really happened last summer...

(This post, along with the last one, have been on my screen over 24 hours... they become long and jumbled when I do that, coming back whenever I get a few moments and adding more and more... so I've tried to make sense of it all and I separated them into two posts to make me feel a little better about the length & the rambling!)

Today marks my 6th year of marriage to my wonderful husband. I love him!!!

Of course, he is dove hunting right now. We go every year because our anniversary happens to fall on the opening day. He hunts (in the morning, done by the time I wake up), and then we all hang out by the river the rest of the time. It's usually such a fun trip, especially when we all used to stay in the hotel and bring boats. And before kids, when I could just sit in the river ALL DAY, for hours on end, fishing, sleeping, reading, swimming. After last year, though, I've decided to stay home this time.

Here is the untold part of last years trip. Since this incident isn't so fresh, I finally feel ready to reveal the rest of the story. I can actually laugh about it now. Please feel free to laugh with me. Though I will try to explain my rationale, I do know that I was a crazy lady.

So it was the hottest part of the summer. I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with Austin, Jake was 14-months-old, and it was 112-117 degrees in Arizona. We were camping, staying in other people's RVs, & Jake wouldn't sleep. My blog post last year conveniently left out any negative aspects of the trip, but I was honestly miserable.

Imagine being (a very large) 7 1/2 months preggo in that weather. Now factor in the 14-month-old who was fussy in the night in someone elses RV on someone elses vacation, which made me feel incredibly intrusive & horrible, even though everyone was being so gracious & helpful. And the wonderful husband who was helpful sometimes, but mostly just relaxing. (P.S. I wasn't on my own! My mother-in-law is an angel & was extremely helpful, as always!)

The other part of the story, which was a big deal to me and probably the biggest deciding factor, was that the baby was always sweaty and very flushed, and of course over-tired, which worried the heck out of me, being a nurse and knowing that the young (and the old) are prone to dehydration & heat stroke. When we got home I read about a number of deaths that occurred that weekend because of the heat! Afterwards, I kept trying to justify our early departure by pointing out that there were absolutely no other people with babies in the campground. (For good reason, I believe.)

Kevin's parent's RV A/C wasn't working great so Jake was really hot & sweaty in there. And although his brothers A/C was good, I felt way too intrusive when staying there because he didn't sign up for a crying 14-month-old in his RV & all over his relaxation. He likes his naps & his sleep, and he should be able enjoy them.)

I must state, for the record, that Kevin and I had many conversations about this trip before even departing. I almost didn't go, but was feeling so much pressure that I finally decided to go. We drove separately (from the rest of the family) specifically so that we could leave if we had to. From the first day, I was sharing my concerns with Kevin & he told me he would support me no matter what I decided (to leave or stay). After two nights I was fighting back tears almost the entire time but couldn't get Kevin alone for more than a second to discuss.

The breaking point:

I think it was on day 3 (after 2nd night), I decided to take Jake to town in the air-conditioned car to get a Root Beer Float and think about it. This was my last-ditch effort at rolling with the punches. Making lemonade out of lemons. Whatever! And before I left, Kevin gave me one last plea that he wanted to stay but the reassurance that he would support me whatever I wanted to do. (He would not "allow" me to drive alone with Jake across the desert (as I requested) so I had to decide whether I wanted to 'ruin' his vacation and make him cut it short, or stay.)

Y'all know which one I chose, of course.

And why I candy-coated this vacation in my previous post, I have no idea. I think it's because I wasn't 100% comfortable exposing myself to this degree to Kevin's side of the family. My thoughts have changed in this department so drastically. My walk through Austin's colic among other things in his first months of life have brought me to a point where I had to be me, I had to expose myself and accept help, and in the process, realize that these people are one of the greatest gifts in my life. They have significantly helped me through one of the roughest years of my life and through it we have become a million times closer and more transparent with each other than we ever were. (At least I think so.)

At this time a year ago, though, I was still at the point where I was always trying to be the good daughter-in-law. I was so self-conscious and always wanting to fit-in and afraid that they wouldn't like me. Which is crazy because Kevin and I have been together since 1996!!! But anyways, the LAST thing on the face of this EARTH that I wanted to do was be the outcast jerk who ruined the trip!!!

But I did!!! And I was!!!

So back to the story. I called my mom from town & the moment she said 'hello' I started bawling so hard that I couldn't even talk. I don't think I've been that hysterical since grade school! I made my resolve to leave, and went to camp to break the news. And couldn't find my husband anywhere. Looked in all family member's RVs. Finally saw that he was at the rivers edge & didn't have the guts to go down there- plus didn't want to unload baby from the car to go tell him.

SO I actually became the crazy lady wife who packed.up.the.car (all of our stuff, Kevin's hunting gear, all the baby stuff, everything-- alone in the heat, being very preggo, through a zillion braxton-hicks contractions), and waved to Kevin from the road, baby in car seat and car running, saying, "we're leaving."

Oh, this went over so well.

Kevin wasn't happy, and he wasn't supportive at.all. He is a wonderful man. But he wasn't wonderful on that day. Nor was I, clearly.

People wanted to know what was going on, and he simply said, "Megan isn't feeling good. We're leaving."

Oh, I totally forgot to say that I was having lots of contractions! (But that was nothing new with either of my pregnancies! I had my Terbutaline in my purse, never had to take one, and they never progressed into true, active labor. I think I placed most of the blame on this, though, so I wouldn't have to explain everything to everyone and risk crying or looking crazy. Ha! But thankfully I didn't have to talk to anybody because they were all at the rivers edge.)

The absolute worst part was that I felt like Kevin's family would hate me. And given my deepest desire to impress them, you can imagine how difficult this was for me to throw myself in front of the train this way. (That's not the right figure of speech, is it?)

Of course, I imagined all the horrible things they must be saying about me in my absence. But nobody ever acted negatively towards me in the least bit! (Oh, except my husband, who barely said a word to me the whole way home. Ugh, it was ugly! We've never experienced anything like that as a couple, thankfully!) His mom even supported me when we talked on the phone & I finally explained my reasons, which I was incredibly thankful for and it lifted a huge burden off my chest. Oh, I'm so thankful that I finally realize that they love me for who I am, and through it all!!!! What undue stress I had put myself through for all those years!

Anyways, that's my story of a hormonal pregnant mommy becoming the crazy lady and ruining a little vacation. But I'm sure I would do the same thing again. I'm telling you, I was seriously LOSING IT. You would never know by the post I wrote last year, would you?!?

This is why I'm spending my anniversary today at home alone with my two babies. And we had a great day. And Kevin is having such a wonderful time in Arizona, and I'm truly happy for him! (I'd probably be a little bitter if we didn't celebrate early on our cruise... haha)

Of course he tells me the weather is NICE, 90's and a bit overcast. Oh well, I'm sure even though it's not hot and I'm not pregnant, I would still probably be sleep deprived & feeling guilty having TWO crying babies. Maybe next year. I vowed that I would never go again unless we had our own RV or stayed in the hotel. But now that I'm not putting so much pressure on myself to be "perfect", maybe I would actually feel comfortable asking for more help and saying that I'm struggling!

My 2nd family is so wonderful!!!!! I couldn't imagine not having them in my life.

Happy Anniversary to my truly wonderful husband, and to my incredible parents-in-law (& love)!

I love you!