Bullies, young and old.

I'm too nice sometimes.

I don't know when to draw the line and actually let something less-than-nice come out.

I'm afraid of being inappropriate. I always want to know what I'm supposed to do in any given situation. What is the proper thing a parent would do.

Which is why, of course, my shelves are full of parenting books, (sleeping, potty-training, discipline, etc), pregnancy books, birthing books. I love it. It's who I am, it's what I do. I read what a million experts say, and then I choose my favorite. I read the statistics, studies, anecdotes.

So how to deal with bullies...

Any book recommendations? (kidding, kidding)

A few weeks ago I was at the park with the kids. I had decided to bring lunch and eat outside and then play a while.

At one point, Jake went over to the stationary jeeps to play. He was sitting in the front seat at one of the steering wheels. I was not far away, helping Austin climb onto an alligator's back.

I saw three older boys join Jake on the jeep-- maybe they were about 5-6 years old(?) I don't know. And I could see that they were all being loud, and all either standing or kneeling on the seats and saying stuff to Jake. Jake was just sitting there with a little half-smile on his face. I can read his face, and I could tell that he didn't know what to think. His cousins are loud and rowdy, but they play with him.

So I walked over there. I said, "Oh Jake! Are you guys playing together?" He nods his head, with a little smile. "Oh, that's so nice!" I exclaim, and I introduced Jake to the boys. Then the little blond ring-leader pipes in, from the front seat next to Jake, "HE won't leave!"

Oh.

Lovely.

Where are their parents? Where are their parents?

So I am about to say "Well, he was here first!", but of course, the nice-me censored that. Would that be appropriate? Am I allowed to put other people's children in their place?

I said that there were enough seats for everyone, and that they could all play together. Then I motioned over to the other (empty) jeep, and I said that there was another jeep right there if they wanted to go to that one.

(I think I suppressed the angry mommy-bear growl.)

"But we want both steering wheels!" he demands. (The nerve!) So I say, you know what, we will all take turns. And I turn to my sweet Jake, who doesn't understand that these boys are being rude, and tell him, "In 5 minutes, you will get to sit in the back seat and let another boy use the wheel, okay?" A little nod, a sweet smile, and all boys are sitting again. I think it's safe to step away and see what happens.

So I retrieved Austin from the alligator's back and brought him to the swings (right behind the jeeps).

A few minutes later I returned and made some small talk... Jake said he, "drive to gramma's house." The ring-leader interrupts and says, "NO! We're going to the BEACH!" And the other two accomplices in the back seats heartily agree. Ugh...

I am shocked... that's all I can say. My parents taught us to be respectful to adults, even at a young age... I need to go back & pick their brains so that my children learn the same.

Basically, I (hesitantly) tell Jake it's time to switch, but the other kids decline and say they are fine because they're still driving to the beach.

Okay. So I go back to the swings.

A minute later, my heart sinks.

All three boys are on their feet (on the seats), all standing over Jake. I hear the ring-leader saying, "Can't you TALK!?!?" and I think I hear the word, "geeky." How dare he! Then all the boys are making loud obnoxious sounds AT Jake. IN his face.

This all happened in a moment, as I made my way over there, my mind reeling-- what do I do? What do I say? And mostly, with a quick scan of the park, WHERE ARE THEIR MOTHERS?!?

This is NOT okay.

The first words that I allowed out of my mouth were, "He's only LITTLE! You're going to scare him!" (In a semi-pleasant tone, of course.)

Then I turn to Jake, who is still half-smiling, trying to figure out if these boys are being funny or not. He doesn't know malicious. He doesn't know mean. YET. Which is what kills me. I don't want him to learn about "mean" yet. Never, if I had my choice.

My heart was breaking. I was mostly sad, but also pretty livid.

So I ignored the boys instead of putting them in their place. If I knew that their mom's wouldn't hear me, I might have said something a little more, but I didn't want to be inappropriate by disciplining someone else's child and then have these rude kid's moms to deal with. Maybe they think this behavior is okay?

Now that I've had time to think about it, I have decided that it is DEFINITELY my place to tell kids to be nice, if their parents aren't there to do so. When it involves my child, I'm not going to be nice anymore. I can say it nicely, tactfully, teachingly (nice word, hah!)... but I will definitely say what needs to be said from now on.

I always learned to turn the other cheek, but I have boys-- and I know that turning the other cheek is Biblical, but what about self-respect and standing up for yourself too? Uh oh. Maybe I do need to read a book about this! I'm going to be reading Dobson's, "Bringing up Boys." Maybe it'll touch on this.

So for the anti-climactic ending... I suppressed some more growls, looked away from the boys and simply asked Jake if he would rather play on the jeep with the boys or come to the swings with Austin. Luckily he chose swings. I would have yanked him out of there regardless of his answer. And then to protect his innocence, since he had NO idea that these kids were being mean, I swallowed the lump in my throat and as I put him in his swing I said, "those boys were making silly loud animal sounds, weren't they!?!" He laughed and said, "Yah!"



Since this post is so long... I won't include the other story. I'll have to save it for another post. It's what the "old" in the title ('bullies, young and old') refers to though.

I'll just say that a few days later, I encountered a bully of my own. And again, I didn't say what I should have.